Illustration for article titled Rob Manfred Frustrated MLB Season Falling Apart Despite All The Energy He Put Into Wishing It Wouldn’t

NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would turn out well, and yet things are still not working out,” said Manfred, who claimed he was in hundreds of meetings with top MLB executives over the past months outlining detailed hopes and prayers they had for a smooth and safe 2020 season. “Nobody talked about keeping players safe harder than me this year. It almost feels like this was going to backfire no matter how much I repeated ‘This will be okay.’ I always believed in the power of coming into work and wanting something real bad every day, but I fell short this time. I just wish I knew what to wish for to stop this.” At press time, Manfred announced a new quarantine plan to fine players $100,000 for contracting coronavirus.


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