WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay to have someone to stab you with a long, sharp thing,” said the 45th president of the United States, adding that scientists and doctors were working around the clock to ensure Americans would be the first in the world to get stabbed with the special doohickey loaded with the best medical stuff. “As your leader, I assure you that I’ve seen some of the plans for this thing, and believe me, it could be very affordable, plentiful, painless, or wet. Whatever ends up being attached to that metal poker, Americans will love getting it stuck inside of them, squeezed, and then taken out. It will be perfect.” At press time, President Trump brushed off concerns that early trials of the pointy-doctor-jabby-thing had serious, deadly side effects.