Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a toy, so you shouldn’t play with it unless you can’t think of anything else to do,” said Webb, who made the 9-year-old promise he would never ever use a kitchen chair to retrieve the pistol from his bedroom closet, which he kept in a red shoebox on the top shelf. “This gun is an absolute last resort. Only take it out if you have exhausted all your video games and movies or if the internet’s running super slow. This is a weapon, not something to show off to your friends, except if they say something like, ‘There’s nothing to do here, let’s go to Ethan’s house’ and you really need to impress them. Do you understand me?” At press time, Webb added he should never ever point the gun at himself or anyone else unless it was part of a hilarious joke.