Highlights From The First Week Of MLB Play

After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic, Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week. Here are The Onion Sports’ highlights from the first week of play.

Dr. Anthony Fauci made headlines on Opening Day by throwing out the ceremonial first baserunner.

Orioles announcer Gary Thorne reading each player’s living will during their first at-bat of the season.

The Red Sox struggled to a 1-4 start after getting rid their best player for next to nothing, a decision which has never come back to bite them in the past.

The Nationals look to replicate 2019’s success with a miserable 50-game stretch to open the season.

This one guy made a hell of a catch. Didn’t get his name. Michaelson? That’s not it. Really nice catch, though.

The Phillie Phanatic showed that it is perfectly capable of being creepy and off putting without any fans nearby.

The three days we all thought this might actually work.

The Cardinals collapsed without their perfect fans showing them the right way to do every single thing.

Despite being 40 years old, Nelson Cruz leads the league in home runs and RBIs, proving that age is nothing but an accurate barometer of coronavirus risk.

Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan announced plans to announce plans to convene a committee to announce plans to consider changing the team’s name.

The Marlins did better than probably anyone expected, all told.