Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario

We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church. According to Pope Francis’ latest papal bull, Verbum Chartum, Nintendo committed a venial sin when they imbued a lifeless paper product with the soul of Mario.

Whoopsies. Sounds like Nintendo might need to clutch their rosary beads close and say a few extra “Hail Marys” to get back in the Lord’s good graces!

“The messianic message of Christ and His activity among people affirm the truth that the soul cannot transmigrate, and certainly cannot pass into an origami form as Nintendo mistakenly asserts in The Origami King,” wrote Pope Francis in an 2,500-word treatise addressed to the faith’s 1.3 billion faithful, suggesting that those who took part in Paper Mario’s creation or even played the RPG out of curiosity had unquestionably trespassed in the eyes of God. “Let us not forget the great teaching offered by Saint John Paul II in his Dives In Misericordia encyclical, that the Lord created humanity in His image—not as a 2D sheet of paper invested with the soul of a plumber able to crush Goombas with a blow from his Legendary Hammer.”

“Simply put, a lifeless origami doll invested with the soul of Mario, Peach, Bowser, or Luigi is an affront to the word of Our Heavenly Father,” the Bishop of Rome continued. “May God have mercy on [Game Director] Masahiko Nagaya’s soul and the souls of all who enjoy playing this perversion of nature.”

Sorry, gamers! Looks like the very act of playing Paper Mario is going to get you sent to Purgatory! Thankfully, it’s only a venial sin, so you can atone for it by going to confession, performing penance, and even getting extreme unction on your deathbed.

Despite the harsh words from the Holy See, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa stood by the company’s artistic decisions, simply recommending that Paper Mario: Origami King’s creative team and fans regularly attend confessional and remember to say their “Our Fathers” while expressing regret that the Vatican had chosen to excommunicate Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser and gaming icon Shigeru Miyamoto for their unforgivable decision to give life to that to which God did not give a living soul.

Oof. Nintendo really stepped in it this time! We can only hope Nintendo and the Catholic Church patch things up. We haven’t seen things this bad since Pope John Paul’s apostolic letter Novo Millennio Ineunte, which repeatedly condemned Dr. Mario for his history of performing abortions.