Federal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backseat

ECHO, OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat. “Goddamnit, how did we miss him?” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner after hearing muffled cries from a handcuffed man and registering that he must have been unconscious in the backseat of their unmarked vehicle for nearly 200 miles since the operatives had pulled out of Portland. “Shit, we hightailed it out of there so quickly we didn’t even check the backseat. Hey, Dave, did you pick up this guy? I don’t remember grabbing him and shoving him back there. Fuck, our ass is grass if we show up at headquarters with an abducted protester. Someone look online to see if anyone’s posting about him going missing. There’s only one, right? Check under the seats.” At press time, the federal agents had decided to pull over at the next ditch and shoot him.