New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut out every mention of Native Americans, but I’m not sure how else we could improve the misleading information,” said Princeton historian Sean Wilentz, detailing the commission’s incremental changes to curricula, such as omitting the fact that John Adams, Samuel Adams, and Thomas Paine were the only Founding Fathers who didn’t own slaves. “We did find that most public schools don’t discuss the men who helped Betsy Ross sew the American flag. Other than that, there isn’t too much to change unless we pretend the Vietnam War never happened. Or I guess we could emphasize the plight of former slave owners during Reconstruction.” At press time, the 1776 Commission was editing a section on Abraham Lincoln to clarify that “he had a gun on him” at the time of his assassination.